I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Randomize
