When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
