my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Randomize
