New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Randomize
