Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
