I'm so fucking centered right now
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
