The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
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