you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
