My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
