'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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