his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Randomize
