so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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