1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Randomize
