I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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