9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
