Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
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