I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
