It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
