her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
