I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
where am i from again
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
