I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
Randomize
