My underwear smells like fireworks.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
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