cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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