I think my vagina is haunted
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
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