I met the friendliest cop last night
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
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just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
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Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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