She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
My butt remains clenched, sir.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
