I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Randomize
