i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
It's like God shit irony all over that family
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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