when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
Redeem this text for a blowjob
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Randomize
