Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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