Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
