so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Randomize
