Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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