i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
