Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
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