Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Randomize
