Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Randomize
