why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Randomize
