I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
