I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Randomize
