It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
