I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
