Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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