i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
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