You smell like a Billy Joel song
I'm thinking we should try to start remembering stuff we do. Althought I kinda like feeling like Nancy Drew the next morning.
More like the Hardy Boys cause its kinda like a team effort.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
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