Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
True strength comes from lack of pants
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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