god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
