this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
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I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
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How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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