The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Randomize
