I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
