I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize
