we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
