the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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