My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Sober January is a disaster.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
