Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
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After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
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"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
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