M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
